DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE STATEMENTS, INCLUDING QUOTES, ARE TRUE. THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION.
Hello owls! As we fly into the last stretch of the school year, the newsroom figured we would share a recap of some of the most notable news from the past few months.
As part of a push to feature healthier snacks in the campus center, the drink options will soon be required to contain at least 30g of protein per serving. Gone are the days of sugar-free sodas and apple juices. Older students might remember the archaic and chaotic days when even Oreos and Nutella were served. Now, even our drinks will nourish our minds.
Plans for a ski lift to be announced! Blueprints for a ski lift that would take students from the senior lot to the flagpole have been discovered lying around in Krishna’s office. The exciting announcement that is sure to come has been anticipated by students for years. “Walking up those stairs is the worst part of my day,” one sophomore said. “I’m so glad fundraising will be going towards helping me not show up to class out of breath every day instead of another new building”.
Overlake has acquired the PCC parking lot and will use it as a student parking lot next school year. Finally, we have found a way to address our parking crisis. And there are other benefits to it, too. “I’ve always loved the view driving to school through the trees. getting to hike through that view every morning at 7:30am is a dream come true.” One student said. It is being considered whether sophomores may use it.
John Wiley discovers that we have a tennis team. Alongside a 3-minute announcement about the boys’ basketball going to state (and a requested standing ovation), girls’ tennis is being thrown the occasional congrats during announcements or Two Owls Talking Sports after their 3 – year state winning streak. “I thought boys’ basketball was our only sport!” he said after asked about the lack of acknowledgement. Maybe because the long walk from the gym to the tennis courts made it slip his mind until now.
Veracross to include even more personal information! Our favorite website for looking up the classmate your friend is gossiping about will be adding some exciting expansions. Along with your address, full name, and both parent’s full names and contact information, Veracross will now include the last four digits of each student’s social security number, their mother’s maiden name, and their GPA.
The long-awaited all school musical will, after years of theater kid requests and a finally enthusiastic Bill, be CATS. This will be done with bungee cords for flight stunts, built by next year’s fall stagecraft class. “After the meaningful, rich story of Hadestown, I think the school is ready for a nonsensical whirlwind of a masterpiece” Bill said. “People have been asking about this for years, and it’s about time we give it to them.”
After months of complaints about the shortening length of announcements, ASB has graciously announced the new requirement that each announcement must be at least 1 minute long. Recently, students have found themselves having ample time to walk down to the campus center for a snack and a break after announcements. We are excited to see more skits, videos, and lengthy speeches as we watch the time tick closer and closer to 9:50.
Investigation: Library has books? In a puzzling and concerning revelation, our investigative journalists at the Hoot have discovered signs of books being held in the school library. Considering that its primary purpose is a place to socialize or play New York Times games on your computer for the entirety of free block, this discovery is confusing. It even seems that these books may be available for borrowing. What would a library need books for?
Plans for next year’s yield week announced: Each potential student is gifted a real bared owl and a lifetime supply of Chipotle in hopes that they accept our humble offer. Yield is one of the most important things for us to be considering as a school. We don’t want any empty parking spots!
The weekly Overlake news emails will soon include a weekly horoscope! If the almost certainly chat-GPT generated pedagogical meditations that “aren’t about any one incident” or the parental advice on how to talk about porn felt too relevant, your inbox will be filled with more time-wasting messaging, this time giving you a weekly prediction based on your star sign.
Wow! What an exciting time to be an Overlaker. Be sure to check in again for more news as the year comes to an end.
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